I'm not a huge fan of New Years ha But looking back on 2016 it was one of the hardest years for me. I don't like to share very personal things about myself but I figured I needed to write down a little about this past year to be able to look back on. Anyways very few people know I struggle very bad with depression and anxiety. I am very good at putting up a good front ha even my doctor who I have been seeing for 6 plus years was amazing at how depressed I actually was and said I would have never guessed cause you always have a smile on your face ha. It also been so hard not fitting in with any of my sister in laws. I have cried many many times and said countless prayers that I would be able to have at least one sister in law that I felt close to or had a good relationship with. I have tried my hardest to build relationships with my sister in laws or fit in but I still haven't figured out my spot in the family. And I have notice more that I have pushed most of our family members away because of it. I know with out a doubt if it wasn't for Nate I wouldn't have been able to make it through this last year. Anyways This last year I have felt like I have hit rock bottom with both depression and anxiety. In the past I have always been able to pull myself out of it but this last year my good days became very far apart. I just figured my hormones with being pregnant with a girl but even after Rylee was born it never went away. I remember it was as we were moving back just crying to Nate and just feeling so confused on how I could be feeling so depressed even though I could see how mindful the lord was of our family and how blessed we have been. In August after just wanting to give up and for the first time in my life I couldn't talk myself out of why I needed to still be alive. I left I had nothing to live for and I my family would be better off without me. So I decided to go talk to my doctor and after trying some meds and nothing changing we decided it would be smart to go talk with a counselor and try different medications. It's been good to talk with a counselor even if it hasn't seemed to help yet. It has opened my eye and helped me be more aware of triggers and things in my life that have been pulling me down. The start of this new year was very hard because I have felt like I haven't made any progress and I have tried several different medications, been going to a counselor, I read my scriptures and say my prayers daily, I go to church and still I feel like giving up and so overwhelmed whelmed to the point sadly to say I do get suicidal thought more often then I don't and I was so angry and confused to how I could be trying my best to do what is right but still I could feel so hopeless. So I was super frustrated and spent hours and hours just crying. I hate feeling like a failure at being a mother and wife I am constantly striving to be better cause my family deserve the very best!! But my poor sweet husband tried his very best to comfort me and give me advice. But in the moment it didn't really help ha but as I thought it over the rest of the night I was able to find a little comfort and hope in his council to help me to be able to push on a little longer. Don't get me wrong we have been very very blessed this last year also with the cutest and sweetest baby girl in the world, Nate graduating and find a job right away, Nate doing very well selling in the summer, and have friendships grow stronger with our summer families (to name a few of the many many blessings we have received). But I am hopeful that this year things will get a little better:).
Well I think that is enough babble about my problems and embarrassing myself for one night haha
